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Judge, Jury, and Executioner!

March 15, 2012

R.O.T.O.R (1988)

Tuesday March 20th

Film starts at 9pm

Otto’s Shrunken head

538 E. 14th street (A & B)

As always, free popcorn, and $2 Vehicular Bingo for prizes!

This week’s review courtesy of Matt the Movie Guy, over at ‘Direct To Video Connoisseur‘. His review cracked me up, so here it is (witha  few added quotes as always). Enjoy!

It stops felons, judges the crime, and executes sentence. Justice served C.O.D. 

R.O.T.O.R., besides being one of the most annoying film titles ever to type, is a sci-fi film about a good ol’ boy slash expert scientist in the field of robotics named Captain Coldyron. He’s cut from the project, though, when politics gets in the way, and a shorter Kurt Rambis and a robot take over, only to bungle it up and let R.O.T.O.R. get out. Now he’s on a murderous rampage, and only Coldyron, and Steele, a female bodybuilder slash metal alloy expert who designed his skeleton (the metal can think for itself), can stop it. Dear God, what destructive force hath they unleashed on humanity?… or Dallas specifically?

Let me tell you something, mister. You fire me and I’ll make more noise than two skeletons making love in a tin coffin, brother. 

What do you think, you got the chops for this one? It’s what we in the biz call deceptively easy, almost like Phil Jackson coaching the Bulls back in the 90s. Remember, everyone said all he had to do was roll the balls out, when in reality, it took a special coaching talent to take a team that should win, and make it win. Anyone can make fun of R.O.T.O.R., but can you make fun of it well? Again, it’s not as easy as you think.

You look like you got both eyes coming out of the same hole! 

I don’t know where to start. The awesomely bad music, one of the songs performed by “Larry’s Dad”– don’t ask me, it’s in the credits. Then there’s the robot skeleton doing Tai Chi. What about Coldyron. I know what you’re thinking, that name alone is hilarious. Well, he more than lives up to that name. The guy almost makes fun of himself he’s so hilarious, so in order for you to do better, you really have to be on your game. The dialog is a little hard to deal with. Yes, it’s funny, but it’s also very tedious, because no one ever gets straight to the point. But just as it’s grating on my nerves, I’ll get a random “shut up, Coldyron!”, or something liek that, and I feel better again. This is a fun time, but in the hands of a real heckling pro, it can be gold.

We’re not knocking over tin cans here, this is reality. 

Margaret Trigg plays Sonya (“Sony” in the credits). As you can see, she’s pretty hot. According to imdb she almost had her big break in 1996 with a Jim Henson Productions show called Aliens in the Family. Unfortunately, it didn’t go over well, was relegated to Saturday mornings after one primetime airing, and died a couple weeks after that. Even more unfortunately, Ms. Trigg herself passed away in 2003 at the young age of 39. It’s too bad, because she made R.O.T.O.R.much easier to last through, as she was one its few bright spots.

We’re not knocking over tin cans here, this is reality. 

There is one scene in this I think I can describe without giving it away too much. Coldyron is at a gas station ($.69 a gallon, if you’re wondering), and he notices there’s an armed robbery. He scares off the driver, then confronts a robber who exits the store with a hostage and a gun to her head. Coldyron’s gun is hidden under a newspaper he’d just bought for that purpose. Anyway, the criminal doesn’t take him seriously, thinking all Coldyron has is a newspaper, and Coldyron lets it fall, shooting the dude in the forehead. Then the woman, apropos of nothing, takes out the second robber with some fancy karate. Maybe the best scene of the movie.

Come on, you monster. What’s the matter, using my brain to think with? You think I’d set you up? 

Finally, in the screen shot above, you’ll notice the sign “Big Jack’s”. A couple of buddies and I do this radio spoof thing called DINK Radio, and one of our recurring jokes is Big Jack’s Stolen Car lot, where Big Jack’s is a shady car salesman. He also runs a bunch of other businesses, like an insurance firm. It was just kind of funny to see the name pop up here.

You call the senator and you tell him ROTOR walked through a busload of nuns to get to a jaywalker, with malice towards no one. It won’t stop. It wasn’t ready. It’s brain functions are incomplete. It can’t think twice, can’t reason, can’t change it’s prime directive. It’s like a chainsaw set on frappé. 

All right, Kenner was totally right that this was a must, but be ready if you want to get after it. It will take all of your movie heckling skills. But you’ve trained hard, you’ve sat through many bad actioners, sci-fi yarns, and campy horror flicks. It’s time to put those skills to good use. Get your beer or soda, tons of junk food, and a bunch of friends, and have at it– see which one of you is the grandmaster.

– Matt the Movie Guy

Direct To Video Connoisseur


Watch the full film

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